City Issues Amber Alert for Missing Sense of Proportion
Bexar County says the civic faculty vanished mid-hearing and has not returned. Search dogs were briefed not to escalate. Residents urged to stay calm — but not too calm.
SAN ANTONIO — Bexar County authorities issued an Amber Alert late Monday for a missing sense of proportion, last confirmed sighting during a three-hour public hearing on whether the city should spend forty-five minutes discussing a two-minute agenda item.
"We believe it left voluntarily," said fictional spokesperson Marisol Quince of the Office of Civic Calibration. "Witnesses report it looked tired, slightly embarrassed, and was last seen mouthing the words 'this could have been an email' before exiting through the nearest procedural loophole. No ransom note has been received. No demands. Just a lingering silence where a reasonable adult decision used to sit."
The alert describes the missing faculty as "approximately the size of a reasonable adult decision," last wearing "a look of mild disbelief," and known to frequent city council meetings, HOA group chats, airport gate arguments, and any conversation that begins with "I don't usually post about politics, but." Officials stressed that proportion is not dangerous, only endangered, and asked the public not to corner it with a PowerPoint.
Residents are advised not to approach anyone claiming to have found it. "False sightings are already pouring in," Quince said. "Someone thought they saw it at an H-E-B self-checkout negotiating bag policy. Another tip placed it arguing with a pride flag for fourteen hours. A third caller insisted it was spotted whispering 'just keep saying economy' into a White House printer. We are treating those as unrelated local and national phenomena and referring tips to the appropriate satirical desks."
State officials offered conditional support. A fictional aide to a fictional lawmaker said the legislature "stands ready to form a special committee on the matter, provided the committee can also investigate itself, its parking privileges, and whether the word 'special' still means anything when applied to government work." The aide added that if proportion is recovered, lawmakers hope to study it carefully, then lose it again during markup.
Meanwhile, downtown traffic cameras captured what analysts called "a brief, flickering moment of collective restraint" near the River Walk before it was run over by a Fiesta float that had declared itself a sovereign microstate and opened a consulate selling churros. Officials declined to escalate that incident, citing the ongoing search priorities and a general policy against negotiating with confectionery secessionists.
Neighborhood associations across the city issued statements urging calm while simultaneously scheduling emergency meetings about the statement urging calm. One Southtown resident told The Desk they briefly felt proportion return while waiting for coffee, then watched it flee when someone ahead ordered a drink with seventeen customizations and no tip. "I understood," the resident said. "I would have left too."
As of press time, the Amber Alert remains active. Citizens with information are asked to call a tip line that will, according to Quince, "listen carefully, then ask whether this is really the hill." The Desk will update if proportion is recovered, replaced by a task force, or quietly rebranded as a vibe. Until then: stay measured, hydrate, and remember this entire wire is fictional satire — no actual alerts, agencies, or Fiesta floats were harmed in the making of this report.